Free write.

Saturday died in my arms last night. Yesterday I had a feeling it would be that day. I just had a feeling. I have never watched something die before. He wouldn’t eat or drink and just wanted to snuggle, and as soon as he stopped breathing, his teeth clenched and his entire body went stiff. I was really confused and am really sad. He had a nice last day, though. After I came home from the darkroom my dad and i gave him a warm bath in the backyard while he nibbled on apples. then I wrapped him up in a little towel burrito and we walked all around the neighborhood and it sounds stupid but I just showed him all these flowers, because I thought maybe he, in his little rabbit brain, would think they were really pretty or something. I think he did. And I talked to him a lot yesterday, more than usual. Told him about when I first met him, told him about a bunch of nice times we’d had together in case he’d forgotten in his old age. I sound retarded being this sentimental about a rabbit but honestly he was one of my best friends. And when someone or something is there almost your whole life, whether it’s a person, or an animal, or even something dumb like a table or a blanket, you feel it when it leaves. I suppose it was time. But it doesn’t make it easier. He has been there almost my whole life. It’s crazy. Loved that little buddy. so much.

WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

when people say “you don’t know what i’ve been through, who i am, what i’ve seen, blah blah blaaah.” Frankly, we live in the sort of society where no one actually cares. I mean, not everyone has a sob story but even if they do it should never be an excuse. (As Stephen Chbosky so cleverly put.) So unless someone really asks, just keep lame comments like that to yourself. You just look like a stupid, attention-craved, angst-driven teenager. Amen.

THOUGHTS.

I cleaned my room out today. Strange things happen when I clean my room. Such as finding things you don’t necessarily need/want to find. You’ve kept it under all this crap for so long that when you really take the time to gut it and examine you’re kind of stuck in some weird parallel universe that shipped you back to wherever that thing had you to begin with. I found movie tickets to Dear John, polaroids of my first fish, letters from exes, old posters, notebooks I often took my anger out on, presents from lovers that I couldn’t bring myself to give back, old band shirts, a thing I made in school when I was 4 years old. It’s endless. And I hate it. I hate having things that bring me back but I could never trash them, because no matter how many trash cans you put it in it won’t be gone. I hate how something so seemingly insignificant has so much power. You can never stop being human. Screw it.

A look into my family.

Dad.
My dad is a huge part of my life.
My dad and I get along pretty well.
I can tell my dad anything.
I don't know who my biological father is.
I consider my step-dad my dad.
He works his butt off to support this family.
He really can’t cook.
He bonds with me over the fish tank, fish talk.
He is my biggest fan.

Mom
My mom loves God.
She is very out spoken.
She likes to watch TV.
She never married my dad.
She comes from a small family.
She can't drive.
She loves to read the bible.
She spoils me.
My mom is like my best friend.
My mom will never be my best friend.

Sister(s)
I have a older sisters.
I don’t know my older sisters.
I have a younger sister.
My sister and I are nothing alike.
My sister and I argue too much.
I an envious of my little sister.
I love my younger sister.

Brother
I have an older brother.
I don’t see my brother.
I want to see my brother again.
It probably will never happen.
We used to be power rangers.
I don't consider him my brother anymore.

Grandparents.
My grandparents spoil me.
I have favorite grandparents.
I love my grandpa to the moon and back.
My Grandma like to drink coffee and read.
My Grandpa was sick.
He was going to die, he is okay now.
I don't know what I would do without my grandparents.

"Do you really think life is good?"

I'm starting to feel like "me" again.
Self Medicating is actually working.
I'm changing and it's for the good.
Hmm, like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.
I'm ready to turn this all around.
Get my life going without depending on everyone else's help.
I'm done making stupid choices.
I'm starting to realize how smart I really am.
It's funny how a year can seem like forever,
but all in all it really doesn't.
Looking back a year my life was bazaar.
Spinning out of control,
wrong friends, worthless boyfriend,
lies, and self destruction.

Give me time,
You'll see a new me.
A pretty little butterfly.

When you burst out crying alone in your room

 and you realize that no one truly knows how unhappy you are because you don’t want anyone to know, is the story of my life.

A part of me wants to say screw it and put in as much effort into other people as they put into me, but then I realized that if I did that I'd just be doing the same thing. Equally as lonely but perhaps less butthurt, which one could argue is a good deal.

So be nice and care about people's wellbeings til they take advantage of me  vs acting like I don't care at all til they leave. I'll play a matching game until something works.

No one wants to come over when you're sober and don't hook up with people. I am sorry, but I have more standards than that. Guys who only want to hangout for one thing, is NOT a friend.

My comprehensive list of situations that I have found myself in

this year that have sucked. I am lucky enough to have somethings big happen to me as well. These are all just bummers.

1. When you catch on that you are only a partial idiot instead of a full one or not one at all.

2. When you are sober and don't hook up because your morals aren't as dull as a butter knife, unlike the girls at school.
3. When most boys do not want to hang out with girls who are sober and do not hook up.
4. When you are an attractive female and have the personality of an unattractive male.

5. When you are not pretty at all without makeup.

6. When you "accept the love that you think you deserve" without noticing that they never really offered any love in the first place.

7. When You wake up one day and try to care about people but they don't really care that you care.

8. When you make your whole life revolve around someone and then they break up with you in the middle of the week so you don't even have a weekend to devise some sort of a plan of how not to explode.

9. When everything really disappoints you.

10. When boys really "want a girlfriend," but they didn't mean you so go away.

11. When you drink coffee at 12am because you hoped someone was coming over and then they don't come over so you can't sleep.

12. When someone says they'll make it up to you but you know they won't so you're completely confused about their intentions.

13. When you realize that your gut is always right the hard way and continue to ignore it anyway.

14. When you shave because you think someone is coming over and say "waste of a man" instead of "waste of a shave" when they do not come over and then realize that waste of a man applies pretty well too.

15. When they like blondes.

16. When the girl at work does nothing.

17. When you can't decide if people laugh at everything you say because you're really that funny or they just have nothing else to say to you.

18. When smart boys don't like you and tell you that you have to manyt insecurities.

19. When your ex who you still love tells you that they miss you and that you have a nice butt.

20. When your ex who you still love tells you that they miss you and that you have a nice ass when they are intoxicated.

21. When everything goes wrong in your sleep.

22. When someone goes through your stuff, then lies about it.
23. When other people start to catch on that you are really really loony.

24. When the front part of your centipede dies.



Holler, I suppose.

I often

send people texts, not even anything risky like "LOL YOURE SO CUTE. WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRAN?" but just like, "hey, whats up?" and then throw my phone somewhere, run to a faraway location and occupy myself for an extended period of time to avoid seeing the response. Then I go back whenever I quit being stupid and check my phone and they haven't even responded.
There are people who I miss and think about constantly and then they talk to me and say "sorry for bugging you." Isn't that supposed to be me? It was for the longest time.

love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats at you and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Shoes of Sorrow.

Step into my shoes of sorrow
And feel my burden of pain.
Then return to me tomorrow
Aboard the lonely train.
Now do you see?
What's been bothering me?
If you still don't understand
Maybe it's time to end this -
Bury our emotions in the sand
And forget those times of bliss. 
 My passion grew like a healthy tree
Throughout the Summer's heat. While your angst to be free
Turned feelings not so sweet.
The knot that was once held tight
By a love that ran deep in my chest.

It's now coming undone -
Frayed ends of the rope
Left to devastate.
Now I must learn to cope.
My spirits must learn to levitate.
 
The loosening laces caught under me -
They trip me, I stumble and fall
Over and over again
Leaving traces as I sprawl.
I need someone to help me
Through these confusing days
And as that's said, I look up to see
A shining, smiling face.
 

I'm all mixed up, once again
Trapped in the sneaky snare
It makes me tear up like a rain
As you show your care 
And make it clear as water
That I should give in to you.
I fall deeper into thoughts and think
Is this what I should do?
 
Yet as I think, you lean in closer - 
My heart sent on a whirling coaster
As I watch your hands
Reach down towards my shoes.
My feelings are unplanned.
I crave them and don't want to lose
These new emotions brought onto me.
 
You pull the strings so taut and tight
And tie the knots with loving might.  
Bringing happiness back in my life.
I have someone that understands me.
Someone willing to pull the knife
That was shoved into my swelling heart.
 
Then you sew up the wounds
And heal the ache as best you can
With a simple smile or a couple of words
I don't know how to answer -
How exactly do you do it?
Making me feel the way I do.
Shoes tied back upon my feet - I sit,
Pausing to think of you.

My heart now beats for a different reason -
This new person came with the season.
The soles of my shoes are weathered and faded.
Yet they continue to tread on this crazy path
Even though I still feel betrayed and jaded,
I have learned to move along - live, forget, and laugh.
Because I have someone out there
That truly cares about me.

These thoughts carry me through the day.
And I'm positive they're here to stay.
Now walking around, my feet content
With the shoes that no longer torment.

day seven.

Four turn offs

1. Bad breath.

2. Body hair.
3. Greasy hair.
4. Arrogance.

day six.

Five People who mean a lot

1. My Grandpa
2. My Grandma.

3. My Mom.
4. My Dad.
5. My sister.

day five.

Six things you wish you’d never done.

1. Broke my moms trust over and over again.
2. Became friends with people I knew were wrong.
3. Had sex before marriage.
4. Ruined so many friendships.
5. Let other people bring me down to there level.
6. Putting myself in unsafe situations.

day four.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. How is it that someone can abandon there children?

2. Why does heartbreaks hurt so much?
3. Who I am hates who I've been.
4. Why do people complete school until there junior or senior year and drop out?

5. Why does Satan try so hard to bring me down?
6. With you I have the best days of my life.
7. What kind of noise does a zebra make?

day three.

Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Religion
2. Good music
3. Four-head kisses
4. Slurpees/Monsters
5. Long talks
6. Crude sense of humors
7. $$$ gold digger style
8. Flowers

day two.

Nine things about yourself.

1. I absolutely love dinosaurs.
2. I love to drive in traffic.
3. I hate when people breathe loud.
4. I love hot green tea.
5. I have very strong Religious beliefs. 
6. I have changed so much; for the good. 
7. I love to write. 
8. I’m addicted to texting.
9. I love toddlers but not babies. 

day one.

 Ten things you’d like to say to ten different people.

1. We've became super close this past year and i cant picture life without you. You've
became my best friend and I trust you with everything. I love how open and honest I can
be with you. You're my true friend, and that makes my heart happy. 

2. I hate that I broke your trust, ALOT. and yet you forgive me time after time, I envy 
your patients and your ability to put up with my crap. Our relationship is getting so much
better and I love it. 

3. All of my feelings that I have for you seems to be overwhelming I don't know exactly
how to handle them. I feel so connected to you, emotionally and mentally. I wish I could
tell you how I feel without feeling stupid. 

4. You've stepped up and took a role in my life that I was missing. I love you and you make
me understand how to spend my money wisely and make the proper choices, you've helped
me with boy problems. When I find a husband, I hope he has the same characteristics as you. 

5. I wish you would see how he treats you, and the things he does behind you back, and the
way he talks about you. I just want you to be happy and kick him to the curb. He's using 
you and it kills me to see people tell you but you don't listen.

6. You're my closest friend I've had in a long time. It's almost amazing to see how close we 
are. I don't care what people think about you, You're my best friend and no one will ever 
change that. 
 

7. You’re so young, and I feel like its my job to protect you from everything, but you’re
more mature that I thought, and I think you can handle it on your own, and it's so
hard for me to take a step back and watch you get your heart broken but I know I can't 
always be there. 

8. The thing you did to me makes me sick to my stomach to even imagine that someone is 
capable of doing that to other people without any remorse or guilt. You messed up my life 
and ruined my trust. I couldn't trust anyone for the longest time. It's hard for me to say
"It's okay" because it was wrong. I am still angry, but God says I have to forgive, So I have. 

9. You are the worst father anyone could possibly have and I got stuck with you. It makes
me sick to know the kind of person you've become. It blows my mind how you think it's okay
to put alcohol before your own children. I've learned to accept that you will never be a 
father and I'm okay with that.

10. You pulled me down to your level, I never want to be there again. 

10 days of Julie.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

My childhood is almost over

and it scared the poop out of me.

I’m almost eighteen. On the 26th of this august , i’ll be legal. I’ll 
be making my own choices, choices that come with consequences that i’ll 
have to deal with and not my parents. I’m starting to plan, little by 
little, what i want to do after i graduate, and it’s all a little 
overwhelming. I wish I would’ve started planning before, when i was 
like ten, hah. So now I wouldn’t be freaking out because I don’t know 
what to expect from my future. But what scares me more than actually 
starting my life, is what people are going to remember me as when i was 
in high school. The weird girl? The girl that you don’t mess with 
because she’ll chew your head off? The girl how got in a fight in the
hallway over a stupid comment and over a stupid boy? The girl who people
made fun because of her Religious beliefs? All of the things that 
I know I’ll be remembered as are things I truthfully don’t want 
to be remembered as. I made some crappy decisions and I’m finally, at 
the ripe age of 17, starting to realize that life is so much more than 
attention, boys, drama, and money. I don’t need to text 30 guys at 
one time just so i feel wanted. I don’t need drama to keep myself 
entertained. I don’t need sex from some ignorant guy who obviously just 
wants sex. And for God’s sake, money isn’t everything and I really do 
not need to spend it on stupid materialistic things. Life is so much 
more than what we see it in today’s perspective, and I need to live 
my life to it’s full advantage every single day.

ten ways to live your life.

1. listen without interrupting. (proverbs 18)

2. speak without accusing. (james 1:19)
3. give without sparing. (proverbs 21:26)
4. pray without ceasing. (colossians 1:9)
5. answer without arguing. (proverbs 17:1)
6. share without pretending. (ephesians 4:15)
7. enjoy without complaint. (philippians 2:14)
8. trust without wavering. (corinthians 13:7)
9.forgive without punishing. (colossians 3:13)
10. promise without forgetting. (proverbs 13:12)

Rest.

Random things, yes.

One. I love my God more than anything.
Two. My favorite movie is Mister Magorium's wonder emporium.
Three. I can cook eggs in the microwave.
Four. 170 days until I'll be 18.

Five. My best friend is Megan .
Six. Tons of people have lied to me.
Seven. My Dvr is recording criminal minds.
Eight. He knows how to make me laugh and I love it.
Nine. I hate using numbers, but sometimes I'm too lazy to spell them out.
Ten. I like to watch people and find out their tendencies. That's my hobby.
Eleven. I still throw fits like a child when I don't get my way.
Twelve. That is getting better.
Thirteen. I like sprite.
Fourteen. I love Giraffes.
Fifteen. I never understood why people cheat.
Sixteen. I'm not really good at anything. Pretty depressing right?
Seventeen. I'm currently have a job.
Eighteen. I hate throwing up.
Nineteen. I'm enjoy knitting.
Twenty. I can be really outgoing.
Twenty one. I haven't spoke to my dad in almost two years.
Twenty two. I've calmed down so much.
Twenty three. I love taking bubble baths.
Twenty four.I bought my car with my own money.
Twenty five. Tetris is the bomb.
Twenty six. Winter is pretty and the sky looks closer at night.
Twenty seven. I'm cutting my hair soon.
Twenty eight. I just yawned.
Twenty nine. I'm thinking this was a waste of time.

Do you ever try to picture yourself as someone else? Just to see what their life is like or wonder what everyone opinion about you really is? Who's your true friends and who's using you.? What about what you'll eat tomorrow, or how you're going to get the money for stuff you need? How many children you'll have? Will you ever find "the one?" How much you'll sleep tonight? If you're making a mistake? What about regret? Will you be successful? If you're wasting your time?I guess i am the only one who does. I'm just weird.

Things that keep me occupied in life

1. Writing blog posts like this one.

2. Attempting to do well in school, which eventually ends up in me spending about an hour on homework and saying "whatever," and giving up.

3. Attempting to look nice. This includes constant lurking of various clothing sites and trying on my own clothes for about 30 minutes every night. I really don't believe in ever not looking nice (or at least attempting to). I see girls around school in messy t-shirts and sweat pants and flip flops when they feel like "being oomfy." In my opinion being comfy is a nice pair of borderline mom jeans and a v-neck or band shirt.

4. Keeping up with other people's business by lurking all over the place. This comes in handy for when I get prank calls and can find out who did it in ten minutes at the most. Does not come in handy when I say "DID YOU KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW...." and not only did nobody know, but they also didn't care.

5. Buying way too many different bar soaps and never being satisfied with any of them. Same with deodorants.

6. Staring at the end so of my hair to see if it has gotten any longer. I don't think my hair has grown in about a year. Some call me a wishful thinker.

With that said, I am going to let the blog world know that I am angry, and annoyed, and feel a little betrayed. They must have some serious guts (or should I say the intelligence of a five year old, since saying that they have guts sounds like I'm giving them credit) to assume that I would hurt someone who has been there for me through a ton of crap because they don't believe in the idea of letting something go.

Grow up, learn how to make yourself not look stupid and/or like a crazy girl, etc. Contrary to popular belief, it does you well.

what kind of guy is he?

Absolutely wonderful. Like, WHOA my life didn't know this kind of guy existed, wonderful. Ultimate victory for Julia Frymier. It feels good having butterflies again. :D

I wonder of life is easier for other people, or are they just better at faking it?

All seriousness, happiest I've been with myself in two years. An incredibly happy Julie. For reasons other than mentioned in this blog, but partially cos of this. Is something bound to rain on my parade? Probably. I hope it takes a while because I am basking in lovelovelovelove and a new phone and new friends and paychecks and freshly dyed hair with a long mane? Trying hard in school? I don't know, but please let it stay like this, and I can talk to all the cute boys I please and there is nobody making me feel awful about myself. 100% on top of the world by now. I miss that boy by default, but for real, to the left to the left.

To the left to the left.

View points;

1. I find giving a stuffed animal as a gift to your significant other to be a complete waste of money. Am I going to sleep with it just because you gave it to me? No, I am going to sleep with the same stuffed animal that I have slept with for 17 years. Do boys really have any use for a stuffed animal? No, it just sits awkwardly in their room and then when a friend comes over they have to say "dude, my girlfriend gave it to me..." The signify that they would really prefer something else. Plus, stuffed animals are cute, but they lose their cuteness as they sit in my shelf of stuffed animals that are gonna go to the goodwill whenever I get around to it. You know what's super cute? Jewelry. (hint hint)

2. I just finished my research paper. I can't wait to peer edit everybody else's and bleed all over their paper with my cute sparkly gel pen because theirs will never be on the same level of excellence as mine.

3. You've been dating for two days and they're already annoying you. You've been together for a year and they've cheated on you four times. Do you expect them to stop if you are married and have children? No, they won't. You are young and probably the best looking you will ever be and have every right to the pick of the litter. 

4) I get nervous when people sit right next to me and whisper, when I'm ringing up someone's food and they stare at the price with a confused look on their face, when I hear something moving in my front yard, when there's only one empty seat on the bus because one time in last year I sat in that one to find out it was the one that all of the kids spit in, everytime that I look on his facebook, when someone asks me to hangout and I really don't wanna hangout, when I get a call from an unknown number and they leave me a voicemail, and when someone says that they're about to throw up.

I'm hopelessly hopeful that you're just hopless enough

How am I doing? I am okay. I'm trying to get over the spot in life that I just continuously fall right back into. There is still usually 1-2 times a day when I realize that everything sucks, but it goes away quickly. I expect everybody to not understand why I feel bad and I have not a clue myself. For how many times that I have been told that I am desperate and pathetic I began to think that's why but now I just think it is love. Friend love or lovelove is also something that I am not sure about. The whole "other boy" department is a mess. I'm afraid to start dating and I do not know how soon is too soon and then I panic that I am going to be sad forever but nobody is sad forever.

But someone asked me what kind of guys I am into. "I like someone with the same (crude) sense of humor as me and definitely some of the same morals about things such as waiting until marriage for sex and what not. I want someone who is understanding. I like men who like cats. I'm not stupid, don't make me feel stupid. Forehead kisses are nice. I like holding hands and piggy back rides. Guitarist hands are nice.


I forgot how to flirt.

You aren't a bad person, Just an empty one.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please let me remind you that emotional/verbal/physical abuse is not love. It may take a step back to see how badly you are being deceived, but I recommend you take a step back see the WHOLE story. We had a great relationship in the beginning. I was heart broken when he broke up with me, because he want my first real boyfriend.  I see now that I am worth more than he treated me near the end. I think it's safe to say breaking us off was the best thing to ever happen to me. I am embarrassed as tosay how I was spoken to like I was a child and put down for absolutely everything and then told that "I just couldn't handle honesty."

Here is my honesty:

Someone who is in love with you would never, ever do anything of that sort. I forgave him because I didn't know any better and ultimately made everything that I worked for a joke. Most relationships that I see now are jokes and I am happy to be laughing along with everyone else. Do you for once. It is sincerely one of the best feelings in the world. My self hatred is even going away...ain't that something. I also believe that I'm starting to be happy with myself but that is a completely different story that I don't even know how to start, so just nod and agree with me and let me be excited over something that's happening because its better than the alternative.