Free write.

Saturday died in my arms last night. Yesterday I had a feeling it would be that day. I just had a feeling. I have never watched something die before. He wouldn’t eat or drink and just wanted to snuggle, and as soon as he stopped breathing, his teeth clenched and his entire body went stiff. I was really confused and am really sad. He had a nice last day, though. After I came home from the darkroom my dad and i gave him a warm bath in the backyard while he nibbled on apples. then I wrapped him up in a little towel burrito and we walked all around the neighborhood and it sounds stupid but I just showed him all these flowers, because I thought maybe he, in his little rabbit brain, would think they were really pretty or something. I think he did. And I talked to him a lot yesterday, more than usual. Told him about when I first met him, told him about a bunch of nice times we’d had together in case he’d forgotten in his old age. I sound retarded being this sentimental about a rabbit but honestly he was one of my best friends. And when someone or something is there almost your whole life, whether it’s a person, or an animal, or even something dumb like a table or a blanket, you feel it when it leaves. I suppose it was time. But it doesn’t make it easier. He has been there almost my whole life. It’s crazy. Loved that little buddy. so much.

WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

when people say “you don’t know what i’ve been through, who i am, what i’ve seen, blah blah blaaah.” Frankly, we live in the sort of society where no one actually cares. I mean, not everyone has a sob story but even if they do it should never be an excuse. (As Stephen Chbosky so cleverly put.) So unless someone really asks, just keep lame comments like that to yourself. You just look like a stupid, attention-craved, angst-driven teenager. Amen.

THOUGHTS.

I cleaned my room out today. Strange things happen when I clean my room. Such as finding things you don’t necessarily need/want to find. You’ve kept it under all this crap for so long that when you really take the time to gut it and examine you’re kind of stuck in some weird parallel universe that shipped you back to wherever that thing had you to begin with. I found movie tickets to Dear John, polaroids of my first fish, letters from exes, old posters, notebooks I often took my anger out on, presents from lovers that I couldn’t bring myself to give back, old band shirts, a thing I made in school when I was 4 years old. It’s endless. And I hate it. I hate having things that bring me back but I could never trash them, because no matter how many trash cans you put it in it won’t be gone. I hate how something so seemingly insignificant has so much power. You can never stop being human. Screw it.

A look into my family.

Dad.
My dad is a huge part of my life.
My dad and I get along pretty well.
I can tell my dad anything.
I don't know who my biological father is.
I consider my step-dad my dad.
He works his butt off to support this family.
He really can’t cook.
He bonds with me over the fish tank, fish talk.
He is my biggest fan.

Mom
My mom loves God.
She is very out spoken.
She likes to watch TV.
She never married my dad.
She comes from a small family.
She can't drive.
She loves to read the bible.
She spoils me.
My mom is like my best friend.
My mom will never be my best friend.

Sister(s)
I have a older sisters.
I don’t know my older sisters.
I have a younger sister.
My sister and I are nothing alike.
My sister and I argue too much.
I an envious of my little sister.
I love my younger sister.

Brother
I have an older brother.
I don’t see my brother.
I want to see my brother again.
It probably will never happen.
We used to be power rangers.
I don't consider him my brother anymore.

Grandparents.
My grandparents spoil me.
I have favorite grandparents.
I love my grandpa to the moon and back.
My Grandma like to drink coffee and read.
My Grandpa was sick.
He was going to die, he is okay now.
I don't know what I would do without my grandparents.

"Do you really think life is good?"

I'm starting to feel like "me" again.
Self Medicating is actually working.
I'm changing and it's for the good.
Hmm, like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.
I'm ready to turn this all around.
Get my life going without depending on everyone else's help.
I'm done making stupid choices.
I'm starting to realize how smart I really am.
It's funny how a year can seem like forever,
but all in all it really doesn't.
Looking back a year my life was bazaar.
Spinning out of control,
wrong friends, worthless boyfriend,
lies, and self destruction.

Give me time,
You'll see a new me.
A pretty little butterfly.

When you burst out crying alone in your room

 and you realize that no one truly knows how unhappy you are because you don’t want anyone to know, is the story of my life.

A part of me wants to say screw it and put in as much effort into other people as they put into me, but then I realized that if I did that I'd just be doing the same thing. Equally as lonely but perhaps less butthurt, which one could argue is a good deal.

So be nice and care about people's wellbeings til they take advantage of me  vs acting like I don't care at all til they leave. I'll play a matching game until something works.

No one wants to come over when you're sober and don't hook up with people. I am sorry, but I have more standards than that. Guys who only want to hangout for one thing, is NOT a friend.

My comprehensive list of situations that I have found myself in

this year that have sucked. I am lucky enough to have somethings big happen to me as well. These are all just bummers.

1. When you catch on that you are only a partial idiot instead of a full one or not one at all.

2. When you are sober and don't hook up because your morals aren't as dull as a butter knife, unlike the girls at school.
3. When most boys do not want to hang out with girls who are sober and do not hook up.
4. When you are an attractive female and have the personality of an unattractive male.

5. When you are not pretty at all without makeup.

6. When you "accept the love that you think you deserve" without noticing that they never really offered any love in the first place.

7. When You wake up one day and try to care about people but they don't really care that you care.

8. When you make your whole life revolve around someone and then they break up with you in the middle of the week so you don't even have a weekend to devise some sort of a plan of how not to explode.

9. When everything really disappoints you.

10. When boys really "want a girlfriend," but they didn't mean you so go away.

11. When you drink coffee at 12am because you hoped someone was coming over and then they don't come over so you can't sleep.

12. When someone says they'll make it up to you but you know they won't so you're completely confused about their intentions.

13. When you realize that your gut is always right the hard way and continue to ignore it anyway.

14. When you shave because you think someone is coming over and say "waste of a man" instead of "waste of a shave" when they do not come over and then realize that waste of a man applies pretty well too.

15. When they like blondes.

16. When the girl at work does nothing.

17. When you can't decide if people laugh at everything you say because you're really that funny or they just have nothing else to say to you.

18. When smart boys don't like you and tell you that you have to manyt insecurities.

19. When your ex who you still love tells you that they miss you and that you have a nice butt.

20. When your ex who you still love tells you that they miss you and that you have a nice ass when they are intoxicated.

21. When everything goes wrong in your sleep.

22. When someone goes through your stuff, then lies about it.
23. When other people start to catch on that you are really really loony.

24. When the front part of your centipede dies.



Holler, I suppose.