I wonder of life is easier for other people, or are they just better at faking it?

All seriousness, happiest I've been with myself in two years. An incredibly happy Julie. For reasons other than mentioned in this blog, but partially cos of this. Is something bound to rain on my parade? Probably. I hope it takes a while because I am basking in lovelovelovelove and a new phone and new friends and paychecks and freshly dyed hair with a long mane? Trying hard in school? I don't know, but please let it stay like this, and I can talk to all the cute boys I please and there is nobody making me feel awful about myself. 100% on top of the world by now. I miss that boy by default, but for real, to the left to the left.

To the left to the left.

View points;

1. I find giving a stuffed animal as a gift to your significant other to be a complete waste of money. Am I going to sleep with it just because you gave it to me? No, I am going to sleep with the same stuffed animal that I have slept with for 17 years. Do boys really have any use for a stuffed animal? No, it just sits awkwardly in their room and then when a friend comes over they have to say "dude, my girlfriend gave it to me..." The signify that they would really prefer something else. Plus, stuffed animals are cute, but they lose their cuteness as they sit in my shelf of stuffed animals that are gonna go to the goodwill whenever I get around to it. You know what's super cute? Jewelry. (hint hint)

2. I just finished my research paper. I can't wait to peer edit everybody else's and bleed all over their paper with my cute sparkly gel pen because theirs will never be on the same level of excellence as mine.

3. You've been dating for two days and they're already annoying you. You've been together for a year and they've cheated on you four times. Do you expect them to stop if you are married and have children? No, they won't. You are young and probably the best looking you will ever be and have every right to the pick of the litter. 

4) I get nervous when people sit right next to me and whisper, when I'm ringing up someone's food and they stare at the price with a confused look on their face, when I hear something moving in my front yard, when there's only one empty seat on the bus because one time in last year I sat in that one to find out it was the one that all of the kids spit in, everytime that I look on his facebook, when someone asks me to hangout and I really don't wanna hangout, when I get a call from an unknown number and they leave me a voicemail, and when someone says that they're about to throw up.

I'm hopelessly hopeful that you're just hopless enough

How am I doing? I am okay. I'm trying to get over the spot in life that I just continuously fall right back into. There is still usually 1-2 times a day when I realize that everything sucks, but it goes away quickly. I expect everybody to not understand why I feel bad and I have not a clue myself. For how many times that I have been told that I am desperate and pathetic I began to think that's why but now I just think it is love. Friend love or lovelove is also something that I am not sure about. The whole "other boy" department is a mess. I'm afraid to start dating and I do not know how soon is too soon and then I panic that I am going to be sad forever but nobody is sad forever.

But someone asked me what kind of guys I am into. "I like someone with the same (crude) sense of humor as me and definitely some of the same morals about things such as waiting until marriage for sex and what not. I want someone who is understanding. I like men who like cats. I'm not stupid, don't make me feel stupid. Forehead kisses are nice. I like holding hands and piggy back rides. Guitarist hands are nice.


I forgot how to flirt.

You aren't a bad person, Just an empty one.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please let me remind you that emotional/verbal/physical abuse is not love. It may take a step back to see how badly you are being deceived, but I recommend you take a step back see the WHOLE story. We had a great relationship in the beginning. I was heart broken when he broke up with me, because he want my first real boyfriend.  I see now that I am worth more than he treated me near the end. I think it's safe to say breaking us off was the best thing to ever happen to me. I am embarrassed as tosay how I was spoken to like I was a child and put down for absolutely everything and then told that "I just couldn't handle honesty."

Here is my honesty:

Someone who is in love with you would never, ever do anything of that sort. I forgave him because I didn't know any better and ultimately made everything that I worked for a joke. Most relationships that I see now are jokes and I am happy to be laughing along with everyone else. Do you for once. It is sincerely one of the best feelings in the world. My self hatred is even going away...ain't that something. I also believe that I'm starting to be happy with myself but that is a completely different story that I don't even know how to start, so just nod and agree with me and let me be excited over something that's happening because its better than the alternative.