A look into my family.

Dad.
My dad is a huge part of my life.
My dad and I get along pretty well.
I can tell my dad anything.
I don't know who my biological father is.
I consider my step-dad my dad.
He works his butt off to support this family.
He really can’t cook.
He bonds with me over the fish tank, fish talk.
He is my biggest fan.

Mom
My mom loves God.
She is very out spoken.
She likes to watch TV.
She never married my dad.
She comes from a small family.
She can't drive.
She loves to read the bible.
She spoils me.
My mom is like my best friend.
My mom will never be my best friend.

Sister(s)
I have a older sisters.
I don’t know my older sisters.
I have a younger sister.
My sister and I are nothing alike.
My sister and I argue too much.
I an envious of my little sister.
I love my younger sister.

Brother
I have an older brother.
I don’t see my brother.
I want to see my brother again.
It probably will never happen.
We used to be power rangers.
I don't consider him my brother anymore.

Grandparents.
My grandparents spoil me.
I have favorite grandparents.
I love my grandpa to the moon and back.
My Grandma like to drink coffee and read.
My Grandpa was sick.
He was going to die, he is okay now.
I don't know what I would do without my grandparents.

"Do you really think life is good?"

I'm starting to feel like "me" again.
Self Medicating is actually working.
I'm changing and it's for the good.
Hmm, like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.
I'm ready to turn this all around.
Get my life going without depending on everyone else's help.
I'm done making stupid choices.
I'm starting to realize how smart I really am.
It's funny how a year can seem like forever,
but all in all it really doesn't.
Looking back a year my life was bazaar.
Spinning out of control,
wrong friends, worthless boyfriend,
lies, and self destruction.

Give me time,
You'll see a new me.
A pretty little butterfly.

When you burst out crying alone in your room

 and you realize that no one truly knows how unhappy you are because you don’t want anyone to know, is the story of my life.

A part of me wants to say screw it and put in as much effort into other people as they put into me, but then I realized that if I did that I'd just be doing the same thing. Equally as lonely but perhaps less butthurt, which one could argue is a good deal.

So be nice and care about people's wellbeings til they take advantage of me  vs acting like I don't care at all til they leave. I'll play a matching game until something works.

No one wants to come over when you're sober and don't hook up with people. I am sorry, but I have more standards than that. Guys who only want to hangout for one thing, is NOT a friend.

My comprehensive list of situations that I have found myself in

this year that have sucked. I am lucky enough to have somethings big happen to me as well. These are all just bummers.

1. When you catch on that you are only a partial idiot instead of a full one or not one at all.

2. When you are sober and don't hook up because your morals aren't as dull as a butter knife, unlike the girls at school.
3. When most boys do not want to hang out with girls who are sober and do not hook up.
4. When you are an attractive female and have the personality of an unattractive male.

5. When you are not pretty at all without makeup.

6. When you "accept the love that you think you deserve" without noticing that they never really offered any love in the first place.

7. When You wake up one day and try to care about people but they don't really care that you care.

8. When you make your whole life revolve around someone and then they break up with you in the middle of the week so you don't even have a weekend to devise some sort of a plan of how not to explode.

9. When everything really disappoints you.

10. When boys really "want a girlfriend," but they didn't mean you so go away.

11. When you drink coffee at 12am because you hoped someone was coming over and then they don't come over so you can't sleep.

12. When someone says they'll make it up to you but you know they won't so you're completely confused about their intentions.

13. When you realize that your gut is always right the hard way and continue to ignore it anyway.

14. When you shave because you think someone is coming over and say "waste of a man" instead of "waste of a shave" when they do not come over and then realize that waste of a man applies pretty well too.

15. When they like blondes.

16. When the girl at work does nothing.

17. When you can't decide if people laugh at everything you say because you're really that funny or they just have nothing else to say to you.

18. When smart boys don't like you and tell you that you have to manyt insecurities.

19. When your ex who you still love tells you that they miss you and that you have a nice butt.

20. When your ex who you still love tells you that they miss you and that you have a nice ass when they are intoxicated.

21. When everything goes wrong in your sleep.

22. When someone goes through your stuff, then lies about it.
23. When other people start to catch on that you are really really loony.

24. When the front part of your centipede dies.



Holler, I suppose.

I often

send people texts, not even anything risky like "LOL YOURE SO CUTE. WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRAN?" but just like, "hey, whats up?" and then throw my phone somewhere, run to a faraway location and occupy myself for an extended period of time to avoid seeing the response. Then I go back whenever I quit being stupid and check my phone and they haven't even responded.
There are people who I miss and think about constantly and then they talk to me and say "sorry for bugging you." Isn't that supposed to be me? It was for the longest time.

love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats at you and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.